I've gotten to a point where I find both relief and sickness from loneliness. On one end I want to keep myself away from people because of my pretentiousness and general feeling that everyone is better without me, nothing to prove me wrong on that theory either. But on the other end, I want to talk to people, I don't know why though, there's no logical reason for me to associate myself with such better beings. I am in such a lowly class that associating with people would just bring them down and make me the guilty one, so why would I bother wasting their time and talent? There's nothing to me, and there's so much to them, I can't stand to bring them down.
That same mindset is why I can't hurt myself, even though every fiber of my being wants to. The guilt that I become overcome with is why I don't hurt myself anymore, after the previous times it's made me question if it's worth it or not. I want to burn, but if I burn myself, I burn others somehow. I hate compassion. That's another reason I want to be alone, so I can hopefully find a hole to crawl into and die without anyone realizing it, so that way they can't change my mind. That's selfish though, I shouldn't talk like that, even though it is how I feel. How do you live in a lie though? You don't, you just bide your time and wait it out until you are given permission to die, but who is going to be the one to tell me? Why can't they just cut there loses now? What are you even losing? There's nothing of value stored within me, only junk and black holes.
I just hope the winds shift soon and everyone can be happy, I hope they all get distracted and I can finally be alone. Then, when everyone is too busy, I can finally do what I want to do.